Burning Log

I still don’t even know how to process this week.  It has been so strange.  I woke up Tuesday morning thinking everything was just fine, and by Tuesday night I was a numb log sleeping the sleep of the dead..  When I could fall asleep.  It was one of those nights where I would lie awake and it took forever to fall asleep, but once I fell asleep it was a pretty deep sleep.  Trouble is I kept waking up.  I did not feel refreshed Wednesday morning, but it would be even more shocking if I did truth be told.

It has been hard working so much lately, Master was staying so late at work some days that I was barely seeing him.  Of course, if either of us knew then what we know now..  I guess we’d not have complained at all.  Maybe we would have been sewing extra late on the weekends too.  We didn’t know though, and we did our best with what we knew at the time.  We were sewing into the evenings though, and just making sure there was some time for us to be together.

It is so weird.  I just feel like Master should be at work today, yet I also feel like he never started that contract at all.  I’m going to go sew after I write this and he’ll be in the kitchen on his laptop applying for jobs and assistance and looking for whatever odd jobs he can find, and it just feels so familiar now.

Contractor life.

The problem isn’t his skillset.  He has so many oddball technical skills and plenty of jobs want to hire him.  The big issue?  No one wants to give him benefits.  Why do there only seem to be contractor jobs available anymore?  It’s awful.  It’s scary.  It’s shit.

People online have been largely supportive.  I’ve gotten emails and tweets and people have all been encouraging.  Family though?  Not so much.  That’s the worst thing.  I called home and my mom literally just told me “You’ll be fine,” and she totally was spaced out for the entire phone call.  I could tell she wasn’t even listening.  She was completely tuned out.  I’m not asking you for anything other than to listen to me and let me vent a little.  I don’t think a bit of emotional support is too much to ask for, especially when I get really awful news like this.  Of course, the last time I got really good news she immediately found a reason to hang up on me, too.  She can’t stand when things happen to or for me, good or bad.  I could just not tell her anything, but she finds out second hand from other family members and then that’s always just a giant hornets nest.  It’s frustrating as fuck though.

Will we be fine?  Probably.  We will get unemployment and we just need to find another job for Master before that runs out.  With any luck that job has benefits.  With any luck it is not a contract (but we’ll take a contract if we have to!  A mortgage payment is a mortgage payment!), with any luck that job comes along soon.  At least all the overtime Master has been doing means we’ll be okay for at least a little bit.

I’ve been really throwing myself into the Mewtique more than I normally do.  We’ve been sewing late into the nights, which makes obvious sense as this is the busy season.  I don’t know what I would be focusing on during the day if it wasn’t for that honestly.  Moping, panicking, I don’t know.  Having something to actually focus on that is productive during the day while Master job hunts really helps keep me from panicking too much.  Even if it wasn’t my busy season, there’s always new patterns and such to work on too.  I seem to be okay for the most part during the day as long as I keep myself busy with something.  It’s at night when I try to lay down that I sort of panic and I think “I should get up and go DO something!”  I don’t.  I stay in bed and try to sleep because sleep is integral to not falling over.

I feel like I’ve gone from numb log to log on fire.  I’m in the adrenaline phase.  I know the adrenaline will settle down eventually.  A couple days?  A week?  A month?  I don’t know exactly when, but it’ll settle down.  For now, I’m still feeling the panic.