Tears are something which I have always struggled with. Ever since I was a little kitten, not being weak was highly ingrained in me. You weren’t allowed to cry. You weren’t allowed to show any kind of weakness, and if you did, you were ridiculed for it. I’m not talking about the other kids at school or anything like that. I’m talking about within my family. My mother would screw up her face and say:
“Ooh, look at the little baby cry!”
It didn’t matter if I’d just broken a bone, or been publicly humiliated for whatever reason. It didn’t matter if I was scared, or attacked, or any number of things which make a “normal” person cry. What mattered was that I was showing that I was weak. Weakness was some kind of disease that had to be cured. I bottled up quite a bit, and then when I got older I would only cry alone. I wouldn’t let anyone else see me being like that. It also took quite a bit to make me cry, and when it did happen, I was relatively inconsolable. I guess I never really learned how to “sob”, and when I finally got around to crying it was full on bawling. We’re talking snot-inducing, body shaking, loud wailing kind of tears.
Because of this, it has taken quite a long time to be able to be okay with crying during a scene, especially in front of Master Pravus. I didn’t want to show him this weakness. I wanted to show him that I could handle anything that he could throw at me (and I am not just talking about impact play here). I couldn’t cry, and when I did I would feel ashamed and try to bury my head in a pillow or even hide under blankets. It took me a while to realize that those tears were OK. Those tears were part of a different type of release for me, and there was no shame in showing them.
Tears can mean more than grief. They can be a show of gratitude, strength, and lust or love. Now, I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. I don’t want anyone thinking that the only time I cry is when I am being hit with something. (Most times impact play will NOT make me cry, in fact). I have often cried during g-spot stimulation, or when sexual stimulation gets too intense for my body to handle. It isn’t always associated with pain, though I know that is what most people assume.
To this day, if something happens to me which is emotionally sad, something devastating enough to make me cry (a death, super bad news, etc) I still cannot find the strength within myself to let someone else see me cry. I’ll often run away, or lock myself in another room until I can get ahold of myself.
I’ve also noticed that during scenes, my tears never get to the bawling stage. They are usually mere sobs which I can get a handle on pretty quickly. They are nothing like being wracked with an emotional sadness which is both draining and hurtful.
But when sceening, I’ve learned that tears can not only be so cleansing, but they can also be arousing. Not just to myself, but to that person who caused the tears. Seeing them on my face, knowing it was their touch, knowing that at least in that moment, they own me and my tears completely. So erotic. And you know what? That’s okay.