Being Lent Out

I adore being Master Pravus’s slave.  I love doing all sorts of things for or with him, and I love it when he micro-manages me.  I just really love doing as I’m told and knowing exactly how to please him.  When Master Pravus found out he was going to be gone for five days, he immediately thought of a friend of ours to lend me to.  He is someone Master Pravus and I trust very deeply, and also someone who I admire a great deal.  This friend happens to be very far away though, so all of our play is online.  I mentioned to said friend that I’d be free for four or five days if he wanted to cam at any point or play and he double checked with Master Pravus to be sure it was OK.  Master Pravus, of course, said yes.

I will say that before Master Pravus left, I was excited by the idea of J (that’s what I’ll call him in this post) tasking me for a couple of days.  Master Pravus would be unable to keep the tabs on me that he normally keeps (wrapped up in training sessions which he wouldn’t be able to get away from as often as he normally does), and this seemed like a good way to not only pass the time, but fulfill a huge exchange that would normally be there.

The first morning I woke up without Master Pravus in bed felt like most weekday mornings.  I got out of bed, and decided to go about my usual Sunday business.  Only thing is, there is no usual Sunday business.  Silly Kitty.  Sundays are for lazing around and doing nothing, and that’s exactly what happened.  I worked on a couple of reviews, watched a movie, played a couple of video games, etc.  For the most part I was glued to my Twitter feed though, watching for any tweet from Master, and replying eagerly.  It was nice to feel connected even for those few tweets.  We talked on the phone, I cried a little bit, and we hung up.

Around five P.M. I started to feel really sad.  That’s the time of day that Master Pravus usually gets home from work, and it became more and more obvious that he wasn’t coming home.  Of course I knew he wasn’t coming home, but somehow subconsciously I still felt like it was almost time to see him.  The rest of the afternoon seemed to drag on and I had a hard time getting anything done at all.  I just moped around and didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything.  I spent a lot of time just curled up on the couch missing him.

I called Master Pravus before bed, and we chatted before I had to go to sleep.  I had to put my cuffs on by myself (and not my normal bedtime cuffs which are too complicated for me to get on my own), and snuggle down in my blankets.  I had a hard time drifting off to sleep and tossed and turned most of the night.  I woke up abruptly after a nightmare, and there was no Master Pravus there to kiss me and tell me I was OK.

The next morning was to be my first day being tasked by J.  I was in a really depressed and lonely state, and to make matters worse, I felt guilty about not being up to my normal challenges.  When Master Pravus is home, or coming home, or I’m going home to him, being lent out to others for his (and truthfully, as I enjoy it, mine as well) pleasure is fun!  I love being able to serve other people.  Everyone has different styles, and as Master Pravus is not a sadist, the masochist in me enjoys playing with others who really get off on inflicting pain and discomfort.  There is also just so much you can learn from even simple submission to other dominants.  There is not one person I’ve played with who I haven’t learned something from yet.

When I say I was not feeling up to my normal challenges, yes, I followed through with every order I had been given.  Yet, there seems to be an empty void in my heart which wasn’t doing these tasks with joy, but rather from a place of responsibility and obligation.  If Master Pravus were in this state, were he coming home that night, were he relatively close – I’d be thrilled to be having so much fun with someone I respect and admire so much.  But in that moment, all I could feel was upset and guilty, and like a failure.

J asked me to get on Skype, and I did.  Unfortunately, I started crying long before I even said “Hello” really.  It was just so hard to be doing these tasks and to cam for someone when I was in such a state.  J reassured me that it was OK.  He really has a way of pointing out the obvious that I sometimes can miss, and just making me feel better.

“Well Kitty,” he tells me “Of course you’re upset.  The person you’ve dedicated your whole life to serving is gone!”

I had to laugh a bit.  Silly Kitty.  Obvious though it was, it was so helpful to not only hear a couple of similar sentiments to that, but also to be able to just cry and let someone listen to me with no strings attached.  It was great to be able to talk to someone who was in this lifestyle and really, truly understood what I was going through.  J is an amazing friend.

I mentioned before that every person I have played with has taught me something.  What I will forever take from J is that I need to find at least a few solitary moments per day to take time for me.  Hard though it is, he asked me what it is that I do for me.  I blanked.  I had no clue.  True there were some things which I did for me before I met Master Pravus, but at this stage in my ownership, I really feel like I have very little which is truly “mine”.  I sat there for a few minutes and just thought about it, and could not come up with anything.  That became one of my assignments.  (I won’t be sharing any others, that’s just for me, Master Pravus, and J to know.  However, I wanted to share this one.)

Eventually I settled on taking a hot bubble bath, and going for a run once per day each until Master Pravus got home.  It was good to be able to take a couple of moments and just clear my head.  Sunday and part of Monday were spent with me honestly just spending most of the day curled up in a ball and crying, or close to it.  Without my sun, I feel so lost.  Having J’s guidance while I was sorting through that helped immensely, and I really perked up for the last leg of Master Pravus’s trip.

I’m not saying that being away from Master Pravus became easy.  Nothing worth doing in life ever is, but if Master Pravus didn’t go away on this business trip, I would never have learned something very important about myself.

I am grateful for that.

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