It Feels Like Normal

The past couple of years my life has gone from fun, sexy, and disciplined to hoping that I don’t faint and hit my head when Master Pravus is at work.  It’s shitty, I hate it, and I want what I used to have.  It isn’t that our lives don’t have some good in them, or that we never play, or that we don’t have sex or fun..  It’s just that there’s obviously a lot less fun and normalcy going on when I’m so sick that I can’t get myself to the bathroom without help some days.  Not all days are like that, but this is certainly not even close to how I used to be.

I restarted my steroid for my POTS a few weeks ago, and we are already seeing some improvements, despite some setbacks every time we increase the dose.  The dose doesn’t need to be increased forever, but at the current rate of increase, it will likely not be at therapeutic levels for another three months.  We’ll just see how it goes.

The important thing though, is that I’m starting to have some days where I feel completely, utterly normal.  It is pretty fleeting, and it generally only lasts about eight or so hours, but it is absolutely amazing.  I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.  Yeah, the meantime where I’ve gotta wait while we get the medicine back up to speed is so hard, but these little snippets that make me feel my usual, bouncy self?  They are giving me so much hope for the future.  Maybe it will be another three months until I am myself again, but you know what?  That isn’t so bad.

It’s just so hard though, because in the meantime I have days like I did on Sunday, where I woke up and was so weak that when I called Master Pravus’ name, he could barely hear me, even if he was sitting three feet from me.  Then, there are days like Monday, where I wake up chipper and I feel like I could conquer the world.

It’s a rough ride for me right now, but I am slowly (and finally) beginning to see a real light at the end of the tunnel.

Hanging in there.


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