Don’t Push

It’s a new skill Master has been working with me on lately:

Don’t push.

It is counterintuitive from many standpoints because I’ve never been the “lazy” type.  I’m not good at sitting still for any reason, and I’ve always been the type of person who tends to get everything done before I sit down to relax.  I’m not saying that taking breaks is wrong, I’m just saying that I’ve never been good at that and I always feel this nagging sense of “go fucking do the thing” when I’m taking breaks if I haven’t finished everything.  Even when I was younger I would always get all my chores done before I went off to play.  I just couldn’t play if I knew I had shit to do.  It’s just the way my brain is and was always wired.

We’ve had to be more careful with me lately though, because I’m only getting the tiniest bit of treatment for my autoimmune disease, and it really is not enough.  I’m really sick still and day to day living is a major struggle.  Things like even just getting my own food or getting dressed can be tough but I do seem to get a little better as the day wears on (most days).  Still, instead of trying to push so hard to finish everything all at once, Master Pravus has been having me work on something new: not pushing.

I wake up and I fix my breakfast, and then I sit up until I feel good and awake.  I do something completely relaxing while I wake up, something unrelated to work.  I used to crochet for the Mewtique, but now I will read or play Animal Crossing or Neopets or something.  Then I slowly get going at my own pace and I work on the chores and things that need doing.  The second I feel the least bit sick, or lightheaded or anything like that, I take a break.  This is such a contrast to the way I’ve always done things and it is so weird!  I am not perfect at it yet but I am working on it.

What was happening before is that I would push through lightheadedness, and sometimes I would make myself even worse for the next day, or I’d pass out, or just get really ill etc.  Pushing through to finish the laundry that very fucking second really wasn’t helping anything.  I just had this fear somehow that if I didn’t finish it that very minute that I wouldn’t be able to go back to it later, because maybe I’d get sicker.  What is actually happening though, is that maybe the laundry sits for an extra half hour, hour, or even two hours, but then it does actually get done.  It’s okay.  I can still do it in a little bit if I lay down “now”.

As a slave, I find it very hard to accept this new rule.  Master Pravus has set it for me, and so of course it’s something I’m working hard on and it’s something I’ll get good at like my earrings or one of my many other rules.  Every new rule is a skill, even this one.  It sounds silly to say that “resting” is a skill, but it is!  It’s hard for me.  I spend my days working so hard to impress Master Pravus.  I want him to come home and say “Look at what my slave did for me!”  There are days where I don’t get as many things done as others, but he’s still always impressed because on the days where I didn’t get as many things done I’m clearly looking a bit rough and he can tell that the effort was worth even more.

We used to have days when I was getting ragged where he would say “Take tomorrow to rest for the entire day and do not do any chores or work.”  That doesn’t really work out so well though, because I never know how I will feel when I wake up and if I actually wake up feeling pretty good then we both feel like I’ve wasted a day doing nothing.  We never know how I will feel so we try to take advantage of the days that I do feel well enough to do things.  So, the new rule is “don’t push.”  Not pushing does not mean “don’t do anything.”  It simply means that if I feel sick I should stop, or maybe just take a little longer to get going.  It’s okay.  I’m learning to accept that it’s okay.  It isn’t easy but I have noticed that I do feel better when I don’t push quite so hard, and I’m also getting a lot more done.  That is only good for us both because the better I feel the more time we have together where I’m not falling down.

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