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My Reality

It has been incredibly hard over the last few months, and I feel like I need to vent. I know I have talked about the anemia and the POTS, and other health problems, but I have been trying not to whine too much on purpose.  Sometimes you just need to get it all out, and that’s what I need to do right now.  Every day of my life over the past couple of months has been incredibly hard for me.  Some days are worse than others, as are some weeks.  I feel frustrated and largely alone dealing with all this. Master Pravus is an amazing guy, but he is unable to be home 24/7 like I am.  He has to work outside the house, and I am left alone during the day.

In my day to day life, I am a very self-motivated person.  I have to be.  It isn’t that Master doesn’t sometimes give me extra chores via Couple or email, it is just that, barring additional messages I am expected to do certain things in the day.  I’ve been with Master for nearly 11 years, and he doesn’t have to instruct me quite so much each day because at this point, I know the basics.  It used to be that he left me lists of things to do.  Now, he doesn’t need to.  My memory is good enough that I will remember the few things that are mandatory.  Really, there’s not a ton he asks of me.  I spend time doing laundry and dishes, I blog, and then I either sew or cam depending on the day.  In a typical day I will generally get the laundry, dishes, and blogging sorted by noon.  Then I work until 4, and then I start dinner (unless Master has other plans for us).  This is how it has been for a long time.  Yes, there are other chores I do, but those usually wait for the weekend when we have more time.  The house stays reasonably clean and then we pick the pieces up on the weekends.

Seeing that I don’t have a ton I need to do, the anemia has been really difficult for me lately.  I am having trouble putting together meals for myself during the day simply because I lack energy.  Master has purchased some meal bars to me which, while not ideal, do help when I absolutely am incapable of putting together something more substantial.  Lately, my “chores” have been cut off and I am only expected to blog and sew, and I am even having a rough time doing that much.  If you follow my blog you will know that I am required to post a blog per day, unless Master gives me approval to take a bit of time off.  He has not given me time off.  Another thing to be aware of is that, I don’t blog when Master is home because I am busy doing things with him.  I get a lot less computer time on the weekends.  So, if you do the math, I need to write (on average) more than one post per day to get through the weekend.  Posts are not always written on the day that things happen, but they are written in a chronological order of events.  The problem is, a few days a week I need to write two posts.  Two posts is tough right now, not because I have nothing to say, but because I have less energy to say it.

Walking around the house I have been very out of breath, even just going from one room to the next, downstairs.  Master had to move our bed downstairs so that I would have to use less stairs during the day.  This is a blessing and a curse because obviously sleeping downstairs on the futon is less comfortable.  (Who doesn’t like sleeping in their bed?)  I have offered Master many times to sleep downstairs on the couch so he can sleep more comfortably upstairs, but he says he sleeps better with me in the bed, and he will not hear a word of it.  It’s his choice, but I do carry guilt whenever we need to sleep downstairs.

My fitness is suffering.  I can barely get through fifteen minutes of cardio or strength training, but, as long as I am not on my period, I do fifteen minutes per day of some sort of exercise.  Why?  Because if I do not, the POTS is going to go crazy.  I also really enjoy physical activity, and as someone who spends one hour a day (normally) working out, this is just unacceptable to me.

I have been muddling through as best as I can, but I feel like no one but Master understands.  It’s okay if no one online understands, because they aren’t in my life on a daily basis.  It’s hard when your family doesn’t understand though because “Your voice sounds fine,” on the phone.  Of course my voice sounds fine!  I have anemia, which is lack of blood, not strep throat.  Are you people insane?  Then, when I am huffing and puffing and out of breath because I have to go into the kitchen to get something while on the phone, they panic and ask what’s wrong.  What’s wrong?  The same thing you don’t believe I am dealing with.

Whenever people hear that I am dealing with anemia, they tell me it would disappear if I just ate meat.  Being flexitarian I usually only eat meat outside the house, and again, very rarely.  I am almost always eating salads or vegetarian outside the house anyway.  So, wrongfully everyone is just assuming that my 99% vegetarian diet is to blame.  Nope.  Ever since I was diagnosed as having anemia, I have gone out of my way to choke down some red meat every day.  Why?  Because heme iron is far more easy to absorb than non heme iron, and I am barely functioning as is.  Also, because Master has insisted on it, and I eat whatever Master tells me to.  Also, while I don’t mind fish or chicken occasionally, I really hate the taste of red meat and it has not been a pleasurable experience for me.  Master is proud of how well I am doing with it though, and tells me so constantly.  He also promised me that a few months after the surgery in May, he will not make me eat so much meat.  I also want to point out, that I’ve been eating more red meat for about six months, and guess what?  I still have anemia.  It was never related to my diet, it is related to incredibly heavy menstrual cycles.  Eating iron which is more easily absorbed will definitely help for the time being, but it’s not a cure.  I have also been taking three iron supplements and four tablespoons of blackstrap molasses per day.  I don’t think it is possible to get more iron in me right now.

When I tell people how I am struggling (with the exception of Master) they all tell me to just rest more!  Rest!  You have to rest!  Take more breaks!  I know this is coming from a good place, and people have good intentions, but it’s not feasible for me.  If I do not try to even maintain some level of fitness, my muscles will waste further, causing more frequent subluxations.  That ain’t good.  It will also make my POTS worse.  And, even if resting would not be a problem for the POTS or my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, it just isn’t possible because I am alone for the vast majority of my day.  There is no one else here who can come help me make lunch or help me with chores.  There is just me.  A lot of slaves are lucky that their Masters and Mistresses live at home with them and can help when they are sick.  When I am sick?  No one helps me.  I’m not saying my Master isn’t helpful.  If I am really sick, he helps me at night, but he cannot be there during the day, when things are the most difficult because I have so much to do.  And anyway, when he does have to help me due to a medical condition I feel awful and I despise needing the help.

The only thing that makes me able to wait the two months to surgery is knowing that after I have my surgery, the blood will start to actually build up in my system and count.  In two more months, I will slowly start to build up blood stores.  Two months really does feel like forever when you’re struggling to do the little things like eat and take a shower first thing in the morning, but it will come.

The next person to tell me to eat a burger is getting a punch to the throat though.  SERIOUSLY.  Those of you who are thinking of typing “Eat a burger” in the comments?  You’re not cute.  Resist.