“Does She Want It Or Not?”

For now, I have a temporary medical need

CONTENT WARNINGDiscussions of medical nature. Talk of feeding tubes. You’re responsible for your own time on the Internet and you get to choose where and how you spend it. If reading medical posts will upset you please do not read further. If you’re interested, please go on.

I’m still leaking.

I wanted to start off there, because until I stop leaking, I feel like my life is just going to be fairly uneventful. At least, it won’t be the fun kind of eventful, and that’s the kind of eventful I want. Not the eventful full of doctors and procedures and fear and tests. This is my blog though, so here’s what’s going on.

I’m sure, if you’ve been reading here with any sort of regularity over the past year or so, that you may have noticed I’ve been wearing onesies. We ordered one first from DarkDelightsShop because we were hoping it would offer easier access to my port, and at the time it didn’t, but it does now which is really useful. Being able to unbutton something at the crotch helps to get access to my J Tube too, when I need it- although I admit I haven’t been able to wear anything even relatively skin tight recently because anything form-fitting will put pressure on my tube and cause the tube to leak more. (Literally, through the shirt to the floor. Etc..)

Back when I was hospitalized for my first leak ever, it was for a total of twelve days and three surgeries before they solved the leaking issue. Terrible. During one of the nights, Master Pravus and I were in the hospital and the entire Med/Surg unit we were on ran out of gauze. You did read that correctly. No more gauze.

The nurse who was on shift that day with us ran out to look for more on another floor, and Master Pravus ran into a CNA in the hallway who told us there was no more gauze on the floor. To give you an idea of the amount of gauze we were going through, the trash was emptied several times that day and my tube kept running and running. My skin was killing me and I was miserable.

The CNA shoved a diaper hastily at Master Pravus and said “This is the only thing we have here on this floor. Does she want it or not? If she wants it, I’ll send someone else in to diaper her.” He shoved it back and told her that I did not want it, and we would wait for our nurse to arrive. I mean, maybe he would have been more agreeable but the entire floor was getting angry about dealing with my tube leak, and I know they weren’t really mad at me in especial, but it just kind of came across that way in the moment. How could a small hole in someone leak so much? Why? Ugh. The way she just shoved it at him kind of pissed him off so fucking much.

He came back to the room, and he said “They’re out of gauze.”

“The hospital is out of gauze?!”

“No, just this floor. They tried to give me a diaper for you, but I told them you didn’t want it.”

“……! You didn’t make them mad, did you?”

“I think they’re already mad.”

And just then the nurse came back in with a handfull of gauze that she begged from someone on the pregnancy floor. >.> I was supposed to have surgery the next day, but for the past couple of days the doctor kept saying “let’s wait another day” and the entire floor was just… Ready for them to do something about this. Especially me!

Anyway. I digress.

The position I am in now, is not very unlike the position I was in that night years ago. I am leaking a lot, uncontrollably and the gauze doesn’t stop it. I can’t stand for more than 2-3 minutes without it leaking down my tummy to my leg to the floor. It’s overwhelming. I switched from gauze to abdominal pads, and at some point I started taping maxi pads to my tummy. That only kind of works and the tape is murder on my skin.

So, we bought a two pack trial size of adult (xxx) diapers to test and see if they would hold up to help me be able to walk around and do things until my surgery to fix this leak. Here’s a couple things about this:

1) YES. I finally got to see someone who is going to fix my tube leak, AND my hernias. Both together in one surgery, and I’m waiting on my surgery date.


2) I. Needed to figure out something to do in the meantime while I get a little more testing done before they can do the surgery, and diapers seemed like a “good” option. I mean. I need to be able to move around, because being stuck in bed for months at a time is terrible for me, and terrible for my morale. 🙁

We started looking at very medical style adult diapers but they didn’t seem like the right thing because I have a J tube, and the tube is pretty high up. Like, because of this in order to help the leaking the diaper would need to reach pretty high too. A pull-up style thing wouldn’t work out either because we need the pad to be fairly high up and I need to order a size bigger than I would if I were using these to pee in them, because I need them to reach. After doing some research, we looked around for some diapers in the ABDL style because they seem to be sort of.. “exaggeratedly” big. They make them so that you can use them still, but they also make them exaggeratedly long/etc. They’re not trying to be discreet like medical brands. As much as discretion would be nice, a low rise diaper wouldn’t work for me in any kind of way.

So we ordered according to my actual waist measurement to start, and the first size we got was a Littleforbig M. They fit me. They fit completely fine and everything (maybe a little baggy in the waist honestly but maybe we could have put them on a little better too since it was our first time..), but were only just barely an inch or so too short to really reach my tube. So we tried again and we got a size L. The larges fit a little too big, but with tape it works out good because my J tube is completely covered and it stops any leakage so I can walk around and do things again!

First Diaper- A “Vintage Print LFB Size M”

I’m not using the diapers for bathroom stuff which might seem weird to you if you think about all the pee content I upload- but honestly I really do need these for a medical purpose and if I were to pee in them I would go through them a lot faster than I am right now. We have found that a diaper lasts an entire 24 hours or so if we tape/untape it carefully. It seems to take about a full day before I tear the plastic with the tape or anything, so they last a while, which is much better than gauze, and I still wear a piece of gauze right up against my skin, but the diaper really helps to prevent the tube from leaking so much. It’s literally a godsend.

I couldn’t find anything from a medical standpoint online about people using them for J Tube leaks, only people who had incontinence problems so I wanted to shed some light in case someone out there is having this problem too. I don’t plan to use a diaper after my surgery unless I’m having leak problems again and they get terrible, but I don’t want to pretend I don’t need them sometimes either. I mean, if they help, they help. Christ. Maybe this will help someone else too.

Plus, they’re going to start showing up (xxx) in a few of my clips. Not in a, like- dildo-y sexual way- but some of my fetish clips (like my hair trims and things) I’ll be wearing my diaper for a little while since without the diaper I wouldn’t have been able to film at all. But I don’t post everything in a row, so they’ll be interspersed here and there.

And for the record, in black and white: I have zero qualms with people doing whatever they want to do with their diapers. If you want to do dildo-y sexual stuff. I mean- go ahead. It’s just not the thing that floats my personal boat. If you want to pee in your diaper- have a diaper waterlogged pee fest! I’m not trying to kink shame. I just want to explain that people with medical needs exist and this is how we’re temporarily managing one of mine. I want to give an account of one person using them in one way for one reason. I’m hoping not to need them for very long but no matter what I’m glad that we found something that helps me be able to solve another problem.

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