The End Of An Era
This is a hard post to write, because it’s a hard thing to write about. I have been dreading writing it, for the two or three days I have known that I needed to. The fact of the matter is, I am quitting live cam work, and I have so many mixed feelings about it.
I started camming shortly after I turned eighteen, and I started on Imlive, which will always be my favorite site for cam for a million reasons. At the time, I was working a few other jobs, and cam work was something I would do in my spare time here and there. I just would make a little extra spending money for pretty dresses and rhinestone do-dahs. I wasn’t at all worried about quitting my current job, and it was just a hobby for me.
A few years later, when I turned about twenty I was doing it full time, from home. I didn’t even have my own room for it, and I would just set down a blanket in the front room with my toys out to the side, and use a crummy lap top. I would only cam while Master Pravus was at work, and when he was on the way home I would stop and change, shower, and break down the set-up. Eventually, I started working the night shift which was fun (you always make more money at night) and I was doing really well.
Thing is, I was also going to school for massage therapy at the time, and that’s when I started to get really sick with POTS. I did manage to recover from it at the time, though, and I eventually went back to cam. I would just cam whenever Master wasn’t home, and sometimes that was nights (if he had to work overnight for an upgrade or something), but mostly that was days. I continued to be full-time on cam for a few years, up until maybe a year or two after we moved to Colorado.
Things started to get really good for my physically, after moving here. I had already lost about thirty pounds before moving here, and I lost another ten after getting to Colorado. I hadn’t been diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos yet, and I started to get injured more and more. They started off as fairly minor injuries that I could just shake off, but then eventually moved to more serious ones where I was advised to stay off them for six to eight weeks or longer. During those times, I started to decline on my time on cam.
Because I was dealing with mainly injuries, I wasn’t too worried about it. I mean, I’ve figured they would all heal and I’d be back to cam. Every time I have started to get better, though, something else would happen. In the past two years, my POTS has been pretty much completely out of control (as you probably already know if you read this blog), and it has been harder and harder to be online. The sad truth is that I’m not even working on cam twenty hours per year on average right now. There was a time when I would work fourty or more hours per week, but that time isn’t now. Not even by a long shot.
Master and me think that this is just the best thing for me. I’m not physically strong enough for cam anymore. I don’t have the stamina. I can sometimes do an hour or two here or there, but even getting the minimum three hours a month to keep my account active is just really difficult due to my Ehlers-Danlos and POTS.
The thing is, I really hate admitting that, whether to Master Pravus, or to myself (via my blog). It feels so shitty struggle so much with my health that I can’t do the things I absolutely love doing. I know that everyone has their own struggles, and everyone has things they want to do and can’t, but I don’t think that makes it any easier. At least, not for me.
Master points out that this really changes nothing. I have practically not been camming since I’ve become ill anyway, so all this does is make it official. It’s just one less thing for me to worry about right now, because I can’t keep up and it’s just not possible at the moment.
We haven’t decided that I will never cam again, or anything like that. It is just highly unlikely that I ever will again. If my health completely turns around a few years from now, it’s a possibility, but it’s just not likely.
I love cam work. I love performing, and I love showing off. I feel like I’m losing a piece of my identity. I’ve been doing web cam shows on and off for twelve years. That is a long time to do something, and not feel at least a little sad to see it go. I’m not going to stop doing adult work, but live cam shows are just out of the question for me right now. I still have my Clips and I still plan to make new ones as my health allows, but it is still so hard losing something I love and have such passion for.
One more thing lost.
7 thoughts on “The End Of An Era”
Aww I’m sorry to hear this, I can totally understand where you’re coming from feelings wise. *big hugs* It’s so hard to feel that things you love are being taken away from you due to illness, I really hope that you can find something else you love as much and/or that you can get back to cam work in the future.
Thanks @MrsTeePot. It is possible I will cam again one day, but unlikely. I DO love to sew, but it was always a part time thing. I guess it will be more full time now though. 🙂
I know you will miss coming a lot, but hopefully you can keep sewing! I know how health can kick really hard. Celiac disease is a pain, literally. But also, I was recently pregnant and couch bound (reason why I’ve fallen behind in reading your blog). Swollen feet, hands and dangerously low blood pressure forced me to quit my volunteer job at the children’s hospital library. And now our son is recovering from open heart surgery. So I spend most days in hospital with him. I do get to see the volunteers that I worked with because the library is part of the same hospital. But I miss working with the books. 🙁 I passed out four times while on shift and even vomited on trains and buses. So even had to give up on going out. But will hopefully volunteer again one day. Maybe you can make pretty still pictures instead of caming on video? I missed reading your blogs, I will try to keep up 🙂
@MomoNoHanna Oh yes, definitely we’ll be taking more still pictures. 🙂 Especially now that we’re a bit more settled in the new house.
That is awful about your own health stuff. I know because of my POTS how bad low blood pressure can be, and I can’t leave the house alone either. 🙁 It’s scary. I really, really do hope that you improve though. And I hope that your son is okay and recovers well.
I can definitely keep sewing. Even on days that I am really sick and can’t sew, my store stays up, so it makes it a little easier to maintain. When I feel good, I sew, make buttons, or crochet. If I am sick.. Well, at least everything I already did is still up. So it works out I think. 🙂
Kitty, i wanted to come back and comment about this before i forgot! i’m really sorry that you’re giving this up, at least for now. Nothing is forever, like you said and maybe someday you’ll get back to it. i know how much you loved it and it’s clear how good you were at your job! =) i can’t thank you enough for your help when i was getting started. You were such a positive influence when i wanted to start camming due to your passion and positivity for it. So, thank you, so very much! =)
@treasure I was very happy to be able to be there for you when you were first starting out. 🙂 Thanks for your kind words. Cam meant a lot to me but I still have my Clips4Sale so I still get to be exhibitionistic. 🙂
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